What is This Sadness?

Hi. I'm a mom.

There are some moments when I feel like I have no other identity than being a mom, and please don't think I'm complaining, as I usually mean this as a good thing. Right now is one of those moments.

This past month has had a lot of new challenges for our family. My husband hurt his knee and so most of the parenting and house work and school drop-offs and pick-ups, etc. has fallen on my shoulders. The first week I felt like Super Mom (look at me go, world!), the second week I was exhausted and, guiltily admitting, a little resentful of this imbalance, but by the third, fourth, and now fifth week I've adjusted to my new normal.

I'm calm and happy most of the time. I do hit my limits and need breaks, but mostly it's OK. I'm more confident with spending a great deal of time with two very busy kids, and I can even go to public parks and calmly handle them running in different directions (hint: bribes work).

My job is one thing that has been a little trickier. I've been able to stay on top of my projects and yet it's also been feeling like this juggling act might result in a ball or two smashing to the floor. So, I've hired some help. I beg you not to assume I have a ton of money. I do not. But time is a resource just like money and right now I'm trading one for the other.

Tonight I am working in our office - at home - while our helper/teacher/friend is downstairs with my adorable children.

And I miss them. I miss Turbo and Smiley and all their turbo-ness and smiles and too-much splashing in the bath and I-don't-wanna's streaming from their lips - yes, both kids are loving the word "no" these days, although Turbo still whines when he utters it and Smiley simply says it with a smile, naturally.

I did put Smiley to bed tonight as I couldn't stand not to have that last snuggle and hear her say, "Ni-night, mommy," as I walked out of the room. Sweet contentment. Now it's Turbo's turn and while this sometimes drags on and can be challenging for me to remain sweet the entire time, I still miss it. I'm sitting in this office, and I closed my work laptop to write about my kids. As soon as he's asleep and our wonderful sitter leaves, I'm sprinting down there to snuggle with my baby-who-is-almost-four.

I love being a mom.

Busytown

One of my all-time favorite Richard Scarry books is "What Do People Do All Day?" So when I was browsing our local toy store for a birthday present for one of Turbo's classmates, I was thrilled to come across this treasure and I swooped it up and brought it home.

I am pretty sure it was published in 1968 (I'm in a rush to get to work this morning so I can't double-check like I'd like to), and so you have to give it a little breathing room for being a snapshot in time. I was, however, a little surprised at how often the mommies in this book were stay-at-home moms who were given gifts by their work-outside-the-home husbands for things like "doing a good job keeping the house clean."

I tend to skim over those parts so as not to overly influence my kids on what it used to be like for a lot more women. So much more to say here, but, again... rushing to work.

As Turbo descended our front porch steps this morning I said to him, "Have fun at school today."

He paused, turned around, and said, "And YOU have fun at work." And he smiled.

I love that smile.

Missing You

Not quoting song lyrics by John Waite, but rather feeling an ache to spend time with Turbo.

Tonight I had to work from home. I got to put Smiley to bed, cram a slice of leftover pizza in my mouth, and then came upstairs to get cranking on this project. I'm actually making great progress on something that was a bit stuck, so I'm pleased with my work.

But I missed a lot tonight. Daddy played with Turbo outside after dinner (summer is waning, we have to take advantage), Daddy watched Shaun The Sheep on the couch with Turbo (although Daddy also snuck away to do dishes, so I can't really say I missed that part), and Daddy read books and put Turbo to bed.

Right now Daddy is snuggling with Turbo in that little twin bed and I'm sitting here with a cool breeze on my left arm, not cozy, not cuddling with anything warm.

It's OK, of course, because this is how it goes sometimes.

But I missed Turbo tonight.

Extra hugs in the morning to make up for it.

You Can Only Like Your Job So Much

This one is dedicated to all the mamas who have to spend time away from their babies to go to work.

There are some advantages to work, of course - we own our home and couldn't afford it otherwise and we really, really love our home. Our kids are able to go to some pretty decent daycares/preschools and we've met some great teachers that have helped us teach our kids and the schools gives them access to lots of other fun kids and a huge variety of toys we could never afford. And, to be honest, there are days when I'm grateful for the break from the kids. They are cute and all, but can also be a handful and too much of a good thing can wear on ya at times.

But I also ache to be with my babies. Sometimes being away from my baby girl nearly busts my heart wide open. She is growing up so fast, nearly walking and beginning to form words like "ball" and "da-da."

The best part of my day is walking into her preschool to see her face light up as she squeals with delight at the sight of me and slaps her happy little palms as fast as she can to greet me with a tug on my legs and an expectant please-hug-me-now expression. And her smile. Her 5-toothed, dimpled, wonderful, infectious smile.

I like my job.

I love my babies.