What is This Sadness?

Hi. I'm a mom.

There are some moments when I feel like I have no other identity than being a mom, and please don't think I'm complaining, as I usually mean this as a good thing. Right now is one of those moments.

This past month has had a lot of new challenges for our family. My husband hurt his knee and so most of the parenting and house work and school drop-offs and pick-ups, etc. has fallen on my shoulders. The first week I felt like Super Mom (look at me go, world!), the second week I was exhausted and, guiltily admitting, a little resentful of this imbalance, but by the third, fourth, and now fifth week I've adjusted to my new normal.

I'm calm and happy most of the time. I do hit my limits and need breaks, but mostly it's OK. I'm more confident with spending a great deal of time with two very busy kids, and I can even go to public parks and calmly handle them running in different directions (hint: bribes work).

My job is one thing that has been a little trickier. I've been able to stay on top of my projects and yet it's also been feeling like this juggling act might result in a ball or two smashing to the floor. So, I've hired some help. I beg you not to assume I have a ton of money. I do not. But time is a resource just like money and right now I'm trading one for the other.

Tonight I am working in our office - at home - while our helper/teacher/friend is downstairs with my adorable children.

And I miss them. I miss Turbo and Smiley and all their turbo-ness and smiles and too-much splashing in the bath and I-don't-wanna's streaming from their lips - yes, both kids are loving the word "no" these days, although Turbo still whines when he utters it and Smiley simply says it with a smile, naturally.

I did put Smiley to bed tonight as I couldn't stand not to have that last snuggle and hear her say, "Ni-night, mommy," as I walked out of the room. Sweet contentment. Now it's Turbo's turn and while this sometimes drags on and can be challenging for me to remain sweet the entire time, I still miss it. I'm sitting in this office, and I closed my work laptop to write about my kids. As soon as he's asleep and our wonderful sitter leaves, I'm sprinting down there to snuggle with my baby-who-is-almost-four.

I love being a mom.