Stuck in the Middle

When your brain wants two conflicting things, you can give yourself a real whopper of a headache.

My daughter, now 18 months, is a really good sleeper. I am overjoyed by that because it took my son forever to really be a good sleeper. I think he was two years old. Right now I mostly have two good sleepers and I thank my lucky stars because I've been on the bad side of that more times than I care to count. Counting would just depress me and I prefer to remain blissfully unaware of how many fractured nights of sleep I have endured. Note to self: do not do the math.

This week I am craving cuddles with my kids more than ever. I want to hold them forever and never let them go. It's been a bad week, and I'm still struggling with how to or whether to write about why that is. For now I will say that I am staring at my kids more, hanging on their every word, and marveling at their perfection even when they are Mr. and Mrs. Crabby Pants.

This week I have made sure that I am the one putting Smiley down for the night.  I look forward to a few minutes of cuddling, to whisper "I love you" into her curly locks, to sing the same songs my mom sang to me, to read a nostalgic book like Runaway Bunny, and to basically bond with her so she knows without a sliver of a doubt that I am the best mommy in the word... and what does she do? She sits in my lap for all of a millisecond, wiggles down to the floor, waddles over to her crib, and points. I barely get a glancing kiss on the back of her neck, nevermind a kiss on those perfectly chubby cheeks, before she practically dives into her crib, and snuggles with her stuffed pig and says, "Bye."

Yes, folks, she actually says, "Bye." Not, "night, night" or "mommy!!" or gibberish. For this independent young lady it's a brush-off-esque, "Bye" and she's in her own world.

It would be unwise for me to complain about a child who so easily puts herself to sleep, and who is also a solid 11-hour-sometimes-more sleeper.

But I ache for another cuddle.

Tomorrow, little one. You will be mine and my arms are waiting.