Gratitude

Some moments are filled with perfection, brimming over my proverbial cup until I'm overwhelmed with waves of gratitude.

Here I sit, snow falling outside my window, and my house is unusually quiet as I stare into the white void and smile. My boys are out shopping for new shoes, and my darling daughter has just gone down for a nap. I'm alone and that in itself is something to be grateful for.

our backyard

And yet there is more. Jazz is playing on the radio, the good kind, and I start humming the tune before I realize why I know it so well.

This perfect song enters my world and tears fill my eyes.

There are places I'll remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life, I've loved them all

This song always makes me hyperaware of the current moment. The lyrics are plump full of yesterdays and tomorrows and it's that contrary blend that steers me into the now. I am all at once grateful for all that came before, for what I have now, and for the future I can't predict. This song requires my full attention and for that I am rewarded with a be-here-now moment of Zen.

I feel both cheated and grateful that my father is no longer with us. It's coming on nine years since his passing and while I would prefer he be here on earth with me, there is something important about having him on my side, on the other side, that grounds me in a way that nothing else can and jolts me into full awareness that life can be cut short. I don't think I was one to ever take life for granted, but I also believe I must have done some of that in my capricious youth. It's inevitable.

If my father hadn't died when he did, I may not have moved back to Seattle when I did. I wouldn't work for the company I work for, I wouldn't have met my husband, and I wouldn't have been blessed with these exactly-right-for-me children who have chosen me to be their mother.

If I am to be grateful for the now, I must embrace all that came before. Each step, each choice, each misadventure all led me to be sitting here in this moment, in a quiet home, watching the snow fall, and counting my many blessings.

In my life, I've loved them all.